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Saw this thing about mike from better call saul. He talks about forgetting, and how one day youll forget without even realizing, and once you realize that then itll get easier.

So I thought about it and thought about whether I can actually forget. Can I forget? No. Ill never be able to, I never could. It was the first time I saw the colors as bright as they really were, and felt the sun as warm as it really is. It wasnt the happiest id ever been but it was a happiness nothing else ever compared to. I was perfectly content and couldve stayed in those days for the rest of my life and never have gotten tired. So yeah, ill never forget.

Would I mind if I forgot? I dont think I necessarily want to. It impacted me in a way I think was important, and I dont think theres any reason to lose that. But I think I already am, and I dont seem to mind. I dont know how exactly to feel about that. But regardless, I cant remember like it was yesterday anymore. The memories are starting to become a blur and become a fade, but I go on with my day to day. And I dont really notice. I remember those colors being brighter and being everywhere, but when I think about it now I can tell theyre faded. I dont want them to be but they are, and it doesnt hurt me that they are. I hate apathy and ambivalence but I feel like thats my current position in regards to this. I think at least its not in an aggressive, purposeful way. But still, im disappointed thats where ive gone.

I dont think that its that it never really meant that much to me. I know it did, but what are you supposed to do when its not there anymore? What are you supposed to do when the days still go by and you refuse to be left behind? I subscribe to the idea that you have to invest meaning into things if you want a life bursting with meaning. But what happens when you watch something fade and the meaning with it? And you just have to go on? Watching it become "just that thing from way back when".

I know I wont forget but if ive still forgotten nearly everything about it, then do I remember it truly or just a ghost of it? I guess at that point I dont mind forgetting. I never wanted to get stuck in the past but I never wanted to throw it away either. I dont want it to become just that thing from a long time ago. It didnt have to stay in the present, I just didnt want it to lose its meaning. But as you forget I guess it heads that way anyways. And you dont realize you dont even seem to mind.